Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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