i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
