there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
