Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
