I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
