My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
