Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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