I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
