You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
