I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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