After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
