you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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