hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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