It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
