When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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