yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
