My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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