If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
