I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
