Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
