I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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