I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
