EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
