How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
