guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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