i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
