when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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