So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
