We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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