I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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