I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
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