Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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