Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
