I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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