Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I deserve this hangover.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
