i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
