high people should be assigned attendants
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
where are my pants?
in the oven.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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