Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
