I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was born a porn star she said
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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