Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
