im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
These tits shall not be calmed
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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