We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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