mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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