Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
