No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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