no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
