Duck Duck Cougar?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Randomize
