That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
