I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
