just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
