I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize