My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
