You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
