Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
