Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
