I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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