You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
