I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
