My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
