I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
